Why Do I Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries With My Parents?
If you grew up with immigrant parents, you may have learned from an early age to be grateful. After all, you feel like you have to “make up” for your parents’ sacrifice and make it “worth it.”
You might have been told to be grateful for the opportunities your parents provided you–the life that your parents never had. However, gratitude could start to become something heavier: guilt.
That might show up in forms of feeling guilty for…
choosing a path that your parents preferred over yours
saying “no” to your parents
pursuing independence
choosing a partner, lifestyle, career path, faith/religion that differed from what they wanted
The invisible weight of being a child of immigrants
Many parents make big sacrifices to provide a better life for their children. They leave behind their family, language, career, sense of comfort and security. And their children grow up hearing their stories.
You may have heard things like:
“We gave up everything for you to have better opportunities”
“I didn’t have these opportunities when I were your age”
“You have nothing to complain about”
“You’re so ungrateful”
I do believe that most parents aren’t aware of the pressure these words put on their children. After all, sacrifice is a big expression of love for immigrant parents. In their way, they’re expressing their love for their children.
However, these statements begin to feel heavier and heavier as their children grow older.
Gratitude turns into guilt. Sacrifice turns into obligation.
When gratitude turns into guilt
Gratitude says, “I’m so grateful for the sacrifices my parents made for me. I appreciate what they did.”
Guilt says, “My parents made big sacrifices for me, so I need to be successful and make them happy. I owe it to them.”
These two are very different responses.
You can be grateful and also have healthy boundaries. You can recognize their sacrifices and also acknowledge that some childhood experiences were painful.
You can be grateful without feeling responsible for your parents’ happiness.
You are not responsible for repaying your parents with your life
Many children of immigrants believe that being “successful” is their way of repaying their parents.
This might lead them to
Choose a career path that they don’t necessarily want to pursue
Learn to push down their feelings and ignore their own needs
Make them “proud”
“Don’t embarrass the family”
You can honor your parents and your culture without abandoning yourself
Growing up between cultures can bring complicated messages about family, values, success, happiness, responsibility, independence, identity.
Therapy can be a space to explore the expectations, pressures, values, family patterns that may still be influencing you and your relationships today.
Together we can explore question like,
“Why do I feel responsible for my parents’ emotions?”
“Why do I still have a hard time saying ‘no’?”
“Why does saying no make me feel bad and guilty?”
“How can I stop repeating unhealthy family patterns?”
“What would a healthy relationship with my parents as an adult look like?"
You can honor your family without losing and abandoning yourself.