How Childhood Family Patterns and Trauma Show Up in Adult Relationships

The way we build relationships and experience love as adults have deeper roots than we may realize.

Long before we experienced adult relationships, we learned what relationships look like and feel like. This may have been modeled through watching our parents and caregivers, experiencing conflict, experiencing reconciliation and forgiveness, navigating boundaries, and exploring what makes us feel safe and connected.

For some people, childhood provided security, safety, and consistency. For others, childhood was marked by insecurity, uncertainty, distance.

The good new is, these childhood experiences don’t determine how we love and build relationships as adults, but it does have a strong influence on our belief of intimacy, trust, safety, and love.

It defines what “love” looks like

Children don’t have the ability to objectively observe and judge their family dynamics and upbringings. Whatever patterns they grow up with in their home is what “normal” is.

This is not to say that seeing conflicts = bad. How conflicts are handled will influence the child’s relationship to conflict and relationship. 

If a child grows up watching their parents argue but often apologize and reconcile, they will likely grow up believing that disagreements should and can be repaired. On the other hand, if a child grows up watching their parents argue and never address the conflict and repeatedly “sweep it under the rug,” they will have a very different relationship to conflict and relationship.

Additionally, a child who grows up around frequent criticism, arguments, or silence will develop a negative self-view and self-worth.

They may form beliefs like,

“I have to keep everyone happy to be loved”

“If they get mad at me, they will leave me”

“My feelings are too much”

“I can’t depend on anyone; they will leave me”

The fear of abandonment

Someone who grew up experiencing caregivers who were emotionally distant or unpredictable may be sensitive to signs of abandonment and rejection.

A partner who is taking longer than usual to respond to a text message may trigger anxiety.

A small disagreement with a friend or partner may trigger feelings of abandonment.

A slight shift in a partner’s tone or expression may trigger feelings that the relationship is going to end.

This can lead to constantly seeking reassurance and validation and overthinking and overanalyzing the relationship. 

Emotional distance can feel safer

However, trauma doesn’t always show up as anxious behavior. Sometimes it can look quite the opposite.

Some people may utilize distance to feel safer. After all, when you keep your heart guarded and not let anyone in, there is no risk of being abandoned. 

A person who learned early on to believe that “people will always leave you” or “you can’t rely on anyone but yourself” may become extremely independent and keep others at an arm’s length. They may have difficulty asking for help, relying on others, express vulnerability, or allow others to get close to them.

Underneath their mask of “I don’t need anyone” is a deeply learned belief that depending on others will lead to pain and abandonment.

Conflict may bring out old survival patterns

When faced with a conflict as an adult, the survival instincts they developed as a child may kick in. FIght, flight, freeze. 

This may show up in form of:

Explosive anger or aggression: They may become aggressive or defensive at the face of conflict.

Avoidance: They may immediately apologize (even if it’s not their fault)--for a sense of peace and emotional safety.

Shutting down: They may become emotionally unavailable or “cold”

These responses helped them endure difficult dynamics when they were younger, but they’re no longer serving them as adults.

Good news is that childhood patterns can change

It is important to remind ourselves that our childhood experiences do not determine the quality of our relationships. They can change through awareness and practice. Practice recognizing your triggers and make connections on how the present is triggering something from your past.

Slow down before you react. Instead of acting on your emotions, notice your feelings and thoughts.

“What’s happening right now? What am I feeling? What is this reminding me of?”

Therapy, strong support systems, self-awareness and reflection, learning about trauma and attachment can all help you break the patterns developed from childhood.

Building healthy relationships

Once you are able to recognize and correct your patterns, you have the opportunities to build healthy relationships that do not mirror your past ones. Yes, you can break free from your history of surrounding yourself with people who are critical, dismissive, distant.

We can learn to effectively communicate our needs instead of shutting down.

We can set boundaries without feeing guilty or feeling selfish

We can disagree without feeling rejected or abandoned

We can learn to confront uncomfortable situations instead of avoiding them.

We can develop intimacy without losing ourselves

Healing our childhood pains isn’t about blaming our past and our caregivers. It’s about recognizing how our past impacted us, letting go of resentment, and gaining the freedom to move forward and build the relationships and patterns that better serve us.